AMA Supersport Racer
Join Date: Oct 2010
Thanked 114 Times in 85 Posts
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"I have never felt guilty about anything. The only time I have regretted doing something is because of the negative effects it's had on me. Not any harm I've caused other people. I pretend to care and a lot of the time I just feel like I'm acting my way through life.
I pretend to care about people, I pretend to love them and in the end when I get what I want I just walk away. I've done this with family members, boyfriends, friends, etc. What scares me the most is that I try not to dwell too much thinking about my relationship with the two most "important" people in my life, my mother and my sister. Because I end up coming up with reasons why I want them in my life, not reasons that I love them. I've felt like getting physical (out of anger) with them so many times, I end up breaking things and screaming in order to keep my hands off them. And the only reason I control myself is because I know it would mean getting negative consequences, not because I don't want to hurt them.
And my dad, I won't even pretend to care about him. He's the one person who's caused the most painful experiences in my life. Yet, I pretend not to care because I need him for things. Money, etc.
I can't say I care about any of this, but it's kind of scary thinking that I'm not capable of the two things that make us human.
I've done so many people wrong, I've had affairs with married men, I've slept with guys who I've know had a girlfriend. Only because of the fact that they did, I pretended to worry that they found out, but did everything in my power to get caught without making it obvious that I wanted to. I've never admitted this to anybody, but I was once having sex with a married man whom I had an affair with, in his bed at his house, and his two year old daughter was in the house, she woke up and started knocking on the door calling for her dad, and we were ignoring her and I was so amused.
I've never felt love for a partner, just something that hold my interest. Most of the time nothing material, I can make my own money, but either they're interesting, or just.. I don't know, something. When I get tired, I move on without explanations. "