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Old 09-07-2012, 08:55 PM   #1471
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I'm guessing you don't get it because there is 'no f in way'?
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Old 09-07-2012, 08:57 PM   #1472
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Wow.... late to the party on that one!
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Old 09-09-2012, 01:11 PM   #1473
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wow, i didn't get that one either. normally i'm pretty good with those cause i say them out loud.

i get some weird looks fairly often too
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you saw that porno too!?
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Old 09-15-2012, 02:38 AM   #1474
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Its a hot southern day and an old man is sitting out on his porch trying to beat the heat with an ice cold beer. As he looks out to the street he sees a young boy riding his bicycle with a bunch of grey wire hanging off the back.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some chicken wire" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no chickens with no damn chicken wire!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

About an hour or so later the old man looks out at the street and sees the boy riding back in the opposite direction. Sure enough he's got a bunch of chickens caught up in the chicken wire. The old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned"

The next day the old man is out sitting on his porch enjoying another beer when the same boy comes riding by, this time with a bunch of tape hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some duck tape" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some ducks!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no ducks with no damn duck tape!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

Sure enough, an hour or so later the boy comes riding back in the opposite direction. This time he's got a bunch of ducks caught up in the tape. Once again the old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned!"

The next day the heat is nearly unbearable. The old man is sitting out on the porch enjoying another beer in the shade when he see's the same boy riding down the street with a bunch of sticks hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some pu$$y willows," shouts the boy "I'm gonna go..."
"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE," yells the old man. "Let me get my coat!!"
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Old 09-15-2012, 05:17 PM   #1475
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Originally Posted by Decipi View Post
Its a hot southern day and an old man is sitting out on his porch trying to beat the heat with an ice cold beer. As he looks out to the street he sees a young boy riding his bicycle with a bunch of grey wire hanging off the back.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some chicken wire" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no chickens with no damn chicken wire!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

About an hour or so later the old man looks out at the street and sees the boy riding back in the opposite direction. Sure enough he's got a bunch of chickens caught up in the chicken wire. The old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned"

The next day the old man is out sitting on his porch enjoying another beer when the same boy comes riding by, this time with a bunch of tape hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some duck tape" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some ducks!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no ducks with no damn duck tape!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

Sure enough, an hour or so later the boy comes riding back in the opposite direction. This time he's got a bunch of ducks caught up in the tape. Once again the old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned!"

The next day the heat is nearly unbearable. The old man is sitting out on the porch enjoying another beer in the shade when he see's the same boy riding down the street with a bunch of sticks hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some pu$$y willows," shouts the boy "I'm gonna go..."
"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE," yells the old man. "Let me get my coat!!"
this one got a good chuckle out of me
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:43 PM   #1476
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Talking

My therapist just told me i`m a compulsive liar and to stop pretending i have a therapist.......
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Old 09-21-2012, 09:07 AM   #1477
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I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were goodyears........
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Old 09-27-2012, 02:51 PM   #1478
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if you had to choose between winning the lottery or your wife.. what car would you buy?
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:47 AM   #1479
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:57 AM   #1480
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Old 11-03-2012, 01:59 AM   #1481
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Its a really obscure number.... you've probably never heard of it.
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:26 PM   #1482
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he visit a Medicine Man who lived in a nearby cave. "Simply leave a sample of urine outside his cave, and he will meditate on it, miraculously diagnose your problem, and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had little to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and left it outside the cave with a ten-dollar bill. The next day when he came back, there was a note waiting for him that said, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening, Bill started to think that the Medicine man's "miracle" was just a joke by his friend, who could have written the note and left it outside the cave himself. So Bill decided to get back at his friend. He mixed together some tap water, a yard sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and son. To top it off, he included another bodily fluid of his own, and left the concoction outside the cave with then dollars. He then called his friend and told him that he was having some other health problems and that the had left another sample for the Medicine man.

The next day he returned to the cave and found another note that said, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your son is hooked on cocaine. Get him into rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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Old 11-13-2012, 01:15 PM   #1483
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I can't stop laughing in my class!! So petarded.
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Old 11-13-2012, 02:30 PM   #1484
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Originally Posted by Decipi View Post
Its a hot southern day and an old man is sitting out on his porch trying to beat the heat with an ice cold beer. As he looks out to the street he sees a young boy riding his bicycle with a bunch of grey wire hanging off the back.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some chicken wire" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some chickens!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no chickens with no damn chicken wire!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

About an hour or so later the old man looks out at the street and sees the boy riding back in the opposite direction. Sure enough he's got a bunch of chickens caught up in the chicken wire. The old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned"

The next day the old man is out sitting on his porch enjoying another beer when the same boy comes riding by, this time with a bunch of tape hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some duck tape" replies the boy. "I'm gonna go catch me some ducks!"
"Bullllllsh!!!!t" shouts the old man "you ain't gon catch no ducks with no damn duck tape!"
"I'll show you," yells the boy, and he rides away.

Sure enough, an hour or so later the boy comes riding back in the opposite direction. This time he's got a bunch of ducks caught up in the tape. Once again the old man chuckles to himself "well I'll be damned!"

The next day the heat is nearly unbearable. The old man is sitting out on the porch enjoying another beer in the shade when he see's the same boy riding down the street with a bunch of sticks hanging off the back of his bike.

"Hey boy!" Shouts the old man. "whachu got there hangin off the back of yer bike!?"
"I got me some pu$$y willows," shouts the boy "I'm gonna go..."
"NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE," yells the old man. "Let me get my coat!!"
Funny indeed but if the heat is nearly unbearable why does he need to get his coat?
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:10 PM   #1485
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Funny indeed but if the heat is nearly unbearable why does he need to get his coat?
Touche salesman... I too have an uncle.
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:32 PM   #1486
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what do you call two ducks and a cow?

quackers and milk! aWWWWW SHEEEIT
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Old 11-13-2012, 11:32 PM   #1487
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Teacher: Ok little johnny, there are three birds sitting in a tree. A hunter comes along and shoots one of the birds, how many birds are left sitting in the tree?

Little Johnny: No birds, the sound of the gun scared off the other birds and they flew away!

Teacher: Not exactly the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think!

Little Johnny: Well I have a question for you too Miss Teacher... There are three women sitting at an ice cream parlor. One of the women is sucking on the ice cream cone, one of them is gently licking the ice cream from the cone, and the last one is biting the ice cream off in chunks and swallowing it. Which one of the women are married???

Teacher: Ummm, I don't know, I guess the one gently licking the ice cream?

Little Johnny: The one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way YOU THINK...
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Old 11-30-2012, 05:54 PM   #1488
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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:00 PM   #1489
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I love that joke... I've heard that from my dad when I was younger

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you saw that porno too!?
Quote:
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Obviously monkey directed it.
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:48 PM   #1490
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The chiefs.....
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Old 12-06-2012, 07:57 PM   #1491
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A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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Old 12-07-2012, 06:22 PM   #1492
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Hahahaha


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Old 12-17-2012, 02:15 AM   #1493
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Ok I got one...

Gun bans...

Hah
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:05 AM   #1494
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A blind guy enters a lesbian bar...

He sits by the bar and calls up the bartender...

Blind guy: You wanna hear a blodes joke???

Bartender: Sir, I have to tell you that I'm blond, the girl next to you is blond, the security girl is blond and also the 2 foot girl you have behind you is also blond...

Blind guy: Oh...then.... I will keep it for myself....
I don't want to explain it 100 times!
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:50 AM   #1495
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Not sure which is funnier, the actual joke or the fact that the word blonde is misspelled every time in a blonde joke. :P
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:13 AM   #1496
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Not sure which is funnier, the actual joke or the fact that the word blonde is misspelled every time in a blonde joke. :P
Not misspelt, just misused... both are valid spellings, only one is grammatically correct.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:52 AM   #1497
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Not sure which is funnier, the actual joke or the fact that the word blonde is misspelled every time in a blonde joke. :P
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Not misspelt, just misused... both are valid spellings, only one is grammatically correct.


My name is Blonde... James Blond ...

Anyway... it's not that easy to trasnlate a joke... hahahaha
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Old 12-25-2012, 01:16 PM   #1498
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This is too funny ( NWS F word ) watch Raging Bull by the Flinestones
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Old 12-25-2012, 08:28 PM   #1499
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Two blondes walk into a bar.

The end.
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Old 12-29-2012, 01:34 PM   #1500
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little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your ***** before the end of the day
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