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Old 09-12-2005, 02:07 PM   #1
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Joke Thread

I saw this on another cbr forum. We should have a joke thread keep people reading. And I dont have the power to sticky a thread so if one of you mods would like to do that please. I will get it started

I am sure you guys have heard this one

Q : Whats the difference between a harley and a hoover?





A : The location of the dirtbag
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Old 09-12-2005, 02:19 PM   #2
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Q. What dose a stupid person and a slinky have in common?


A. They both put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs.
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Old 09-12-2005, 02:27 PM   #3
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Q: Whats the difference between a porcupine and a mercedes-benz?


A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside!
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Old 09-12-2005, 02:49 PM   #4
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A bus full of ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, killing all of the passengers, Feeling bad for them, god decides to grant them each one with before they enter heven. " I want to be beautiful " says the first pig at the front of the line. God snaps his fingers and she is gorgeous. Seeing this the senond person says " I want to be beautiful too". Another snap of his fingers and her wish is granted. THis goes on until god gets to the very end of the line where the last guy is rolling on the floor laughing. Confused, god asks for the mans wish. He says " make them all ugly again "
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Old 09-12-2005, 03:39 PM   #5
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MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Old 09-12-2005, 04:09 PM   #6
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Come on mods where are ya to sticky this

Here is another

A prostitute finishes work and hails a cab, When it pulls up to her stop he asks for the money. " please sir " the prostitute says " I forgot my purse ". " Well " the man says " how do you plan on paying ? " The prostitute responds by lifting her skirt. To which the driver replies " do you have anything smaller? "
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Old 09-12-2005, 06:23 PM   #7
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Here is another

A man walks by a house with a dog tied up outside and a sign that reads " Talking dog for Sale - $10 ". " whats your story ? " the man asks " Well " the mutt says " when my owner discovered I could talk , he signed me up with the CIA, which flew me all over the world on evesdropping missions, I took down alot of high profile fargets, won medals and retired out here in the country " . Amazed the man goes inside and asks why the man only wants $10 for this incredible animal. The owner replies " Because he is a liar, he didnt do any of that $h!t "
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Old 09-12-2005, 06:25 PM   #8
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a husband and wife is going thru a bad year. husband got fired and wife also got fired. they had a 2 year old.

wife is really hot, blonde hair blue eyes big tits nice ass, the works. so she asked her husband, so she can help, she would protitute herself for one night. and since they are so desperate, bills have to be paid, baby had to be fed, the husband agreed.

so the night comes, husband give the wife a ride to the street corner. said goodbye and asked her to call him if there is any troubles.

night passed.

husband picked up his wife, who is very exhausted from the night. husband asked, so how much did you make??

wife replied, only 100.50

husband replied, who the **** is the cheap ass bastard that give you change??

wife replied, all of them.
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Old 09-12-2005, 06:28 PM   #9
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ok guys the thread is a sticky but no profanity please
keep it clean or will delete the thread thanks :icon_salu
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Old 09-12-2005, 06:40 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moeman
ok guys the thread is a sticky but no profanity please
keep it clean or will delete the thread thanks :icon_salu
THanks will try to keep it as clean as possible
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Old 09-14-2005, 04:41 AM   #11
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which 1 of the armed forces would best suit thee pirate?

the aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmy
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Old 09-14-2005, 05:28 AM   #12
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which singer is also a pirate?

......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr kelly..........!!!!!!!!!!!!

he sings aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr and b
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:09 PM   #13
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A Blonde Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming
From The Bedroom. He Rushes Upstairs To Find His Wife Naked On The
Bed, Sweating And Panting. "what's Up?" He Says.

"i'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.
He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As He's Dialing, His
4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's Hiding
In Your Closet And He's Got No Clothes On!"

The Guy Slams The Phone
Down, Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His Screaming Wife, And
Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure Enough, There Is His Brother,
Totally Naked, Cowering On The Closet Floor.

"you Rotten Jerk," Says The Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart Attack
And You're Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:16 PM   #14
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Q: Whats the difference between Light and Hard?


A: You can sleep with a LIGHT on...
(not a hard on)

hahahaha!
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:33 PM   #15
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Proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends late one night the drunk leads the way to the bedroom, where theres a big brass gong. " what's with the gong ? " asks one of the friends. " Thats no gong " replies the drunk, " It's a talking clock " " how does it work ? " the friend asks " " watch " the drunk says. He picks up a hammer and pounds the gong as loudly as he can then steps back. Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screams " Hey A$$hole it's 4:30 in the morning ! "
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:48 PM   #16
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration "
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Old 09-15-2005, 08:02 PM   #17
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Cool

A young woman goes to the supermarket, purchases a half dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk. After gathering the items she puts them on the checkstand to be wrung up for the purchase. A man standing behind her in line looks at the items that shes purchasing, then looks at her and says, "So, I can tell you are single"...The young woman, puzzled as to how the man might be able to make that determination from the items shes purchasing, finally turns towards him and says, "Why yes, I am single. But how were you able to know that based on the items I am buying?"..................The man looks at her and says, "BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY!" :sign10:
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Old 09-15-2005, 08:08 PM   #18
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
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Old 09-15-2005, 08:12 PM   #19
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A man and woman attend church every sunday, however the man always falls asleep. So one day the woman decides to bring a giant pin to poke her husband with whenever he falls asleep.

So they are sitting in church and the man is just falling asleep. So his wife pokes him with the pin just as the priest says "Who is our lord and savior?" The man jumps up and yells "JESUS CHRIST!" The priest compliments him for being so enthusiastic and the man sits down rather embarrassed. Later on when the man is falling asleep, his wife pokes him again as the priest asks "And who created the universe and the life within it?" as the man jumps up and yells "GOOD GOD!" Once again the priest compliments him and he sits down. Later he starts to fall asleep and is once again poked as the priest asks "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their second child?" and the man jumps up and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO BREAK IT IN HALF!"
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Old 09-15-2005, 09:32 PM   #20
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"A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration ""



Wow, way to find a funny yet scarry joke??

they have drugs to cure that though.
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Old 09-15-2005, 09:37 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dubtastic_kaos
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

Haaha, that would be a good blonde joke.
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Old 09-16-2005, 01:53 PM   #22
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Old 09-16-2005, 08:39 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WherzRoony
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
BWAHAHAHAHHAAHA!! this is a great joke.
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Old 09-21-2005, 12:01 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fox2627
A young woman goes to the supermarket, purchases a half dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk. After gathering the items she puts them on the checkstand to be wrung up for the purchase. A man standing behind her in line looks at the items that shes purchasing, then looks at her and says, "So, I can tell you are single"...The young woman, puzzled as to how the man might be able to make that determination from the items shes purchasing, finally turns towards him and says, "Why yes, I am single. But how were you able to know that based on the items I am buying?"..................The man looks at her and says, "BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY!" :sign10:
hehehe oh man heheh
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Old 09-21-2005, 12:42 AM   #25
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Old 09-21-2005, 12:45 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothoperator
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:sign10: hahahhaah thats great
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Old 09-21-2005, 06:52 PM   #27
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Its A Blond Thing ( Funny )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Old 09-22-2005, 08:36 AM   #28
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hilarious stuff
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Old 09-22-2005, 10:46 AM   #29
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Markowitz was playing poker with his fellow retirees one night, and he lost 50 bucks in a single hand, then dropped dead of a heart attack right there on the table. After finishing the hand standing out of respect, one o his buddies says "hey, someone needs to go tell his wife."

One of the other guys replies "i'll do it" and the first buddy says 'ok, but be sensitive about it' to which the guy says 'no problem, i'm great at sensitive, i'll handle it'

So he goes to Markowitz's house and knocks on the door, when the wife answers he says "your husband lost 5,000 dollars playing poker and he's afraid to come home" and the wife says "tell that loser to drop dead!"

The buddy replies "alright i'll go tell him..."
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Old 09-22-2005, 08:32 PM   #30
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Q : What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?




A : Noting you told her twice already
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