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got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping
someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did
not start to load **** into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more
important than others.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good
while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its
flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver.
"Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we
gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy,
you really like Tide."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the
photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me,
because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear
music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

2-in-1 is a ******** term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2.
That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you
exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I
said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah.
Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to
back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when
you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! ****. Seven. I need more

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi circle.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as
good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ******* relentless.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on
the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of
potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "****
it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would
never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny.
Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I
thought of wasn't funny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff
is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I
don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of
$19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy
payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment
it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and
then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to
make it late for something.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would
drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if
somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that
is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a
hamburger." "****, I had to be somewhere..."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really
excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if
he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I
don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give
me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and
paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove
that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act
like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I
don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will
have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with
wearing a beret.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if
they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I
was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.
"...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that
camera man?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a
free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could
finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but
I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to
use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad
- there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act
like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I
know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say,
"Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at
for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto,
you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to
me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit."
As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible
and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan.
That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd
rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would
never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just
"Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and
the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your
stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would
travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot
would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking
down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..


I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you
exactly which way it's coming.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They
don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I
wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would
melt easily over tortilla chips...

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the
planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

Why are there no during pictures.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river,
and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have
never seen.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation
ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch
of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey...
Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala
bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need
to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before


I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me.
Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly
and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease
was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in
the military.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos
had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to
fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my
dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I
like mine.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again."
because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought
maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to
inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational
message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something
like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?"
I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that
you've pressed two enough."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how
it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every
other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off
my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call
it "Mitch-all-together".

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better
when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that
it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a
banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means
stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone
need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals
the answer first.

wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not
read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece
of paper.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word
that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like
submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to
the devil, and the devil is dill...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is
what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want
a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

615 Posts
ha, i love this guy.. he comes on every now and then on xm's comedy channel. you know, these quotes are alot funnier when he says it.. i guess it's his enunciation thing he does

615 Posts
wha!? what happened to him, is he dead?

615 Posts
damm.. wasn't aware... RIP
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